my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
Randomize
