I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Note left in log book: "4:30am a guy was caught masturbating in the bathroom and passed out in his own juices and we had to take the door off the hinges."
You guys are open that late?
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
