haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
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