If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Whenever I see women with terribly drawn on brows, I just wanna tackle them and redo them and run away. I'll be Brow-lady. The beauty superhero
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
