I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I made out with a guy so that I could get ahead in the bathroom line, totally acceptable
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
