I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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