A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
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