WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
