all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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