you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
Randomize