I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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