I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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