Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize