Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize