I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
