my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize