Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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