In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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