any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
Randomize
