What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
Take home message: SPERM IS EVIL AND SHOULD NEVER EVER EVER BE ALLOWED UP ONE'S NOSE.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
