Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
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