The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
