I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
