you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
