I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize