1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Your mouth is God's brothel.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I need moral support for this bender
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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