It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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