So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Pants are for mortals
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
