Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Getting free blow from a total stranger, who asked permission to stroke my eyebrows, was the highlight of my evening out. Also, I have a new cuddle dealer.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I don't have any plans for New Year's except watching anime and drinking until I can't read the subtitles anymore.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
wheres my face? and why is my pocket so big?
Randomize