Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Randomize
