I am midnight drunk by noon
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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