Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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