where are you
in your bedroom
how did you get in
your wife…
WTF
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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