Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
