i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
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