my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Ladies don't puke and tell
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
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