Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
