you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
