So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
I remember having the weirdest thoughts and thinking our room was a compass and we were in the compass or something.
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Randomize
