Dude that chick in the corner just threw up
Hot
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
