Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
