i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
we just talked about our morning and what we were doing for the day and he handed me the addies and i took $50 out of my bra in front of a bunch of frat guys. so the mornings going really well
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
