She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize