Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
If it makes you feel any better they literally are drinking alcohol out of a toilet. They are serving drinks out of a nasty ass toilet...!
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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