We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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