he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
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