So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Randomize
