Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
