I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
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