Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk
yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
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