He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
