Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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