Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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