my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
