Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
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